The Okapis were ready for bed when the storm started. Not the actual rain, but the thunder and lightning. Somehow in the four-and-a-half years of their being on this planet I don’t really remember them being awake during a real summer thunder and lightning storm. I didn’t like the idea of them trying to go sleep while scared from the storm.

When the first thunder rumbled through, Elijah was startled. I grabbed his hand and invited him to join me on the beautiful screened-in porch my parents put in last year. What could be safer than experiencing your first real thunder storm cuddling with your daddy? (more…)

I stepped out of the elevator this morning and was struck by what I saw. A guy who works on the same floor as I do, was quickly walking away from me toward the opposite elevator bank. He reached out to hold the elevator doors from closing. As he held it open, a little boy – maybe 1.5 or 2 years old – ambled into the elevator and I felt a powerful sense of longing for my Okapis.

I really miss them.

I have seen them, but last weekend we were in Philly, the weekend before we moved and for several weekends before then we have been packing or with family or both. I don’t get to see them very much at night and it’s mostly the rush of getting them to bed, which we haven’t fully worked out in our new home. So much of the time I have spent with them lately was either getting them ready for the move or trying to help them deal with the move or helping them get adjusted to the move. We haven’t had much time to just be together and I miss them.

I miss tickling and playing with them and other things like bird-watching or riding bikes or taking walks or anything where we don’t have to worry about time or whether they are having a rough time or not.

This weekend is possibly our first free weekend in months and I am looking forward to catching up with my Okapis.

We arrived in Philly on Friday afternoon just in time to learn that my grandmother, who had suffered a stroke exactly a week before, was being transferred to a Rehab Center. Unfortunately, they didn’t tell my grandfather until he showed up at the hospital AND they expected him to drive her over there. My grandfather, who had hip-replacement surgery a couple of months ago and walks very slowly with a cane, is supposed to drive my grandmother, who recently had a stroke, to the rehab center. It seemed insane. I said my goodbye to Gem and the Okapis and Nana rushed me over to the hospital to find my grandfather. (more…)

I’ve known since I was nine years old – not coincidentally the same age I started therapy – that I wanted to make people feel better, to make people smile. I remember being a kid and thinking I wanted to make the whole world laugh, make everyone in it feel better. But I actually had enough of a presence of mind to realize that was a bit unrealistic and I changed my goal; to make everyone I met smile. To some extent, that still is my goal.

But at the heart of that goal was to make people happy, to help them feel better. I knew that meant becoming a therapist and even though I hated school, I went straight from high school to college and straight from college to graduate school to get my degree. I knew if I took any time off, I would never be able to get myself to go back. By the time I was 25, I had my Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.

But because I had recovered devastating memories of my childhood during the end of college and throughout graduate school, I knew I was in no place to be someone else’s therapist, yet. I always knew I would get back into it, though. In the meantime, I got incredible experience working at an internet consulting company and have been at my current job for almost five years. (more…)

I got nothing but negativity and toxicity coursing through my veins today. I don’t want to get mired in it. I don’t really see a solution about it. I just have to fucking live with it. Plus, I am terribly sleep-deprived. So instead of spending my 40 minutes of disposable time writing about how angry and upset I am about my work situation, I’m going to read my book instead.

I need extra recuperation time to prepare for what is destined to be a horrific day.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I’ll return back to our regular programming.

First, a quick update. I spoke with Nana and my dad last night and my father is having surgery today to repair his broken elbow. They’re going to have put a titanium piece inside and connect it to the rest of his bone because the round part of his bone shattered in the fall.

They also both told me that they think my grandmother is actually not doing well mentally. She seems to have a very strange affect and appears to be confused or even imagining she had conversations that never happened or missing conversations she actually did have. I thought she was getting better and hearing this news last night – and especially how depressed Nana seemed – really was upsetting. We don’t know enough about strokes to understand it and my grandfather, unfortunately, is not prepared to deal with this yet. Could there still be too much blood in her brain from the clot and this is putting pressure on her brain, causing her to be different? Or is this a typical effect from strokes and something that will become permanent? We have no idea and need to do some research. (more…)