Not only can you find me here today, but you can also find more me at DadBloggers. My post there came from a lunch I had with a good friend of mine a couple of weeks ago. Everything was fine, we were eating a pretty tasty lunch as Cosi’s in Lower Manhattan just down the street from Fort Knox the New York Stock Exchange and catching up on each other’s families. It was quite lovely. Then I realized he was still working pretty damn hard as a father and his kids were a few years older than our Okapis. That was when I realized that Parenting Never Ends (which, not suprisingly, is also the name of the piece)!

The trials and tribulations of parenting never end. He is still working on helping his children get their homework done different from the way he used to do it when he was a kid (Mr. Procrastinator, my friend is). He is still trying to help them be the best they can be. He is still struggling with the same sorts of challenges I am, just on a slightly bigger scale.

Not only is the concept interesting, but it helped me to think about how we all have assumptions we make as parents that affect the way we behave. Some of these can help us, but some can cause us trouble. I’m lucky I found out about this one now. Maybe it will help you realize some assumptions about parenting you might have, but never thought about.

It is Monday and everything that brings with it. But my weekend was lovely, with my wife, with my Okapis, with myself and that is what I am focusing on today. We went to the beach, celebrated some family birthdays, learned about BJs versus Costco, played in the plastic pool in the backyard with the Elmo sprinkler and finally got a picture of me we can use for some web sites that are publishing A Father’s Voice (which we’ll discuss in a couple of days).

Why am I doing better than normal on a Monday?

• I have something to look forward to…I’m having lunch with one of my brothers-in-law
• I rode my bike this morning and looked for what could be our next house. The weather was lovely, my legs didn’t hurt too much and the time to myself felt good.
• But the main reason was that Gem and I carved out some time for each other. When things are going well with her, I feel like everything in my life is so much better, so much lighter.

Last night as I was trying to leave their room after tucking them in, Elijah said, “I really, really, really, really, really don’t want you to go to work, Daddy.”

“Me neither, Sweetie Boy. Me neither.”

But this morning they slept a little later than they had for several days and I still got to see them before I left, got to read them their notes, got to give them good hugs and kisses before I left. If I have to go to work, that’s not a bad way to start my day.

I hope your weekend was as lovely as ours was and I hope your Monday is starting off as well as mine.

In my continuing series entitled, Hey Dads…You Matter! on DaddyPlace, I explore the differences in parenting style between fathers and mothers to demonstrate that each brings strengths and that together involved parents give their children the best possible opportunities for health and happiness.

Of course, children who have more tools at their disposal are better at social situations. Of course, children who have been interacted with in different ways by their parents are then able to interact in different ways with other people. Of course, children who have been intellectually stimulated by different parents in different ways, are better able to handle intellectual challenges than children who didn’t have that experience.

I discuss the actual differences revealed in various studies and show how the differences in parenting style can help children. I hope you will check out Fathers Are Not Like Mothers…But Together They Make A Great Team and let me know what you think. If you would like to read any of the previous articles in this series, please visit my Article Library and click on Hey Dads…You Matter! If you would like to subscribe to receive an email every time a new article in this series is published, please enter your email below.

4:00am

Is it raining? I should go look out the window to see if it is raining. If it’s raining, I won’t be riding my bike.

But I can’t get up to go check…tooooooooooo sleeeeeeeppppppppyyyyyy…

…

“ELIJAH!” I heard myself scream. All of a sudden I am out of my bed so quickly that I forgot to get my glasses, running towards the stairs. I don’t know what I heard, but he has responded and I can tell from his voice he is on the stairs.

Is the monitor working?

He starts crying loudly.

I pick him up, halfway to the top of the stairs, and hold him close to me, whispering soothing words, trying to calm and quiet him down. After about 10 seconds he is whimpering into my shoulder.

“Let’s go upstairs and check on Jordyn,” I whisper to him. I think I heard her stirring up there and can only imagine how our outbursts have frightened her.

I carry him upstairs, while he wraps his arms around my neck. When I open the door, I check that the green light on the monitor is on (which it is). Why he didn’t say anything? Why did he just start walking downstairs?

I put him down and check on Jordyn, who clearly seems like she has been jolted awake. But my little girl is extremely good at falling asleep – I could not possibly count how many times she has been woken up by Elijah in the middle of the night and though we’re both a bit out of practice, I am sure she will fall asleep without my help.

Elijah and I sit and talk a little. I asked what happened and he said he heard a noise. That is often the case and my only guess is that he had a dream that woke him up and he was unable to go back to sleep. Instead of crying out loud, he starts the journey from his room, through their playroom, to the stairs. Then down the stairs, into the dining room, then through a small hallway eventually to our bedroom. We use to keep a childproof device on the doorknob so he couldn’t get out, but have since decided that is no longer safe. It’s just that it doesn’t feel safe without it when he starts that adventure on his own in the dark.

I remind him he is going to camp tomorrow and he needs a good night’s rest and he smiles. I remind him he’ll see his teachers and new friends and he smiles some more. I ask him to get into bed and he does without struggle.

“Tell me about your Happy Thoughts.”

“All the people that love me,” he says.

“That’s a good one…You know I’m one of those people, right? You know I love you, Elijah, don’t you?”

“Yeah”

Then I say my usual goodnight greeting. “SSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooo much I love you, Elijah.” In the winter, Elijah would get scared by the hissing of the radiator in the middle of the night so I thought maybe I could associate that hissing sound with something positive and it has stuck.

“So much I love you, too, Daddy.”

“Oh good,” I say smiling at him.

I kiss Jordyn goodnight, make sure she is okay. I think she is still a bit shaken but seems ready to fall asleep.

I kiss Elijah one more time and open the door.

“Daddy?”

Uh oh.

“Yes, Elijah?” I say cautiously.

“Maybe…”

Oh no.

“Maybe tomorrow after scho—Maybe tomorrow after camp…”

Please don’t ask me to pick you up Elijah. I can’t. I have to go to work.

“Maybe…”

Please, please don’t ask.

“Maybe we could call you?” he says finally.

“Absolutely! I would LOVE that. Let’s remember to tell Mommy in the morning okay?” I say with relief dripping from every word.

“Good night! I love you” and I close the door and walk downstairs.

I return to my bed, finally, to lie down and try to go back to sleep. My heart is still racing, thumping in my chest from the adrenaline rush of his first, almost unheard, cry.

I look at the clock.

4:16am

It’s funny…When I write my articles trying to help Dads develop better relationships with their children, I always suggest that they ask what their children did that day, what they did while Daddy was not around. It is something I try to do everyday with my Okapis, not only because I want to hear what they did, but because I think there is something so special for them to tell me what they did. It shows what they do and who they are is important to me – even if I am not around when it happened.

One of the things I have been realizing lately is that I have a pretty good idea of some of the “little” things I needed to do to help my Okapis grow up with a sense of confidence, high self-esteem, to grow up feeling they are loved by me. What I did not understand is the ripple effect of these “little” actions on my part. Ironically, I am so focused on trying to be there for my Okapis, to make sure they know they are loved without a shadow of a doubt, I often forget to think about how my actions, my modeling also teaches them how to be and that it could affect my relationship with them in surprising by wonderful ways.

Last night at Gino’s – clearly a very special place for my family as I have written about it here a number of times – we were having dinner. If Gino’s is special, then their bathrooms are even more amazing as some of the most intimate moments with my Okapis have occurred there.

I had just placed Jordyn on the toilet when I asked her what she did that day.

J: We goed to the playground

M: You went to the playground?

J: We went to the playground

M: Did you go on the slide?

J: No

M: Did you climb?

J: No

M: You went to the playground and you didn’t slide and you didn’t climb?

J: We swinged!

M: You swung on the swings?

J: Yeah, we swung on the swings. Daddy?

M: Yes?

J: Tell me about YOUR Daddy!

M: Okay [big smile] I took the train to work. I missed you. I worked some more. I missed you. I had lunch with some friends. I missed you some more. I took –

J: What kinds of friends?

M: Good friends.

J: Oh, I thought they were bad friends.

M: [smiling] I try not to have any bad friends.

J: Oh…What…[clearly thinking] What was…what names of …

M: What are the names of my friends?

J: Yeah

M: One is named Amy

J: Amy

M: The other is named Bethany

J: Bethany…That tickles my tongue. [little giggle]

M: It tickles your tongue? [giggling]

J: Yeah…What else, Daddy?

M: Well, let’s see…After lunch I worked some more and –

J: I know! You wrote a web site called Two Okapis about Elijah and me.

M: Actually, I wrote about you guys on the train in the morning.

J: Really?

M: Oh yeah [it might not excite her as much when she realizes I write about our conversations when she is sitting on the toilet]

M: Are you finished, Sweetie Girl?

J: I’m done.

My Okapis now ask me about my day and it is a wonderful feeling. They want to know what I was doing that day, they want to know what I was doing when I wasn’t around them. Because I matter to them, just like they matter to me.

All the different things I do to try and show them I love them they turn around and do right back to me with their own unique style, showing me in different ways that they love me, too.

It’s an Okapi lovefest, folks…and I never imagined it could feel so good.

Last night, I was sitting with my Okapis, getting ready to get them ready for bed (I was tired, okay, and was trying to psych myself up, okay???), when we heard the famous music.

“The Music Truck!” my Okapis announced.

“It’s also the Ice Cream Truck, I think,” Elijah told me.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he said, not sure if he could believe what he heard or maybe wondering whether he could believe anything we told him anymore. But maybe I’m projecting…

“Who said it was the Ice Cream Truck?” I asked him gently, wondering if it was someone who reads Two Okapis because then I could hunt them down.

“Dora,” he said flatly.

“Dora?”

Okay, I never expected Dora would ruin this whole thing. She didn’t even participate in the pool! This was just one of those freak accidents, like when you wear the same outfit as someone else to a party, or when you buy the same exact present as someone else for a kids birthday party (neither of which have ever happened to me, of course).

On the bright side (because ya’ll know what an optimistic guy I am), even after they seemed aware that it was an Ice Cream truck, neither of my adorable little Okapis asked for ice cream.

Maybe next time…