My wife and I are cuddling again. It is one of those things that brings so many associations with it, like when you hear a song from high school and memories come flooding back, or when you smell something you haven’t smelled in many years but you can remember the last place you did. My wife and I haven’t been cuddling for some time and it feels wonderful.

As I like to say, Gem and I were on the slow lane on the highway towards marriage; we had been together eight years by the time we got married. By the time we had our Okapis we had been together for eleven years. I don’t think either of us had any major complaints about our relationship; we became adults together, transitioned from those college kids to responsible grown-ups and no one knew ourselves better than each other.

Despite all of this our Okapis were like an earthquake in our relationship. On the Relationship Richter Scale, the initial tremor measured about 7.6 with aftershocks numbering in the thousands – some as high as 6.4. Frankly, when I look back I am awed that we survived. You can’t prepare for two at a time – especially when you’re not even prepared for one.

The first year was terrible. We were completely exhausted, drained and overwhelmed. I can’t really remember any non-baby conversations, though there must have been some. Our roles as mother and father crushed our husband and wife roles. The second year was a bit better and we started to periodically remember we had these other roles as well. We tried to make more time for time together and it helped a little. It really wasn’t until the third year that significant improvement occurred in our relationship. This year has been, by far, the best year for our marriage since our Okapis were born. But I still felt there as something not quite right – I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

I tried to explain it to The Former Corporate Mommy because of her post (The Core) a couple of days ago about her husband who is now the sole breadwinner (she recently quit her job to be a stay-at-home Mom). There is something terribly isolating about being the sole breadwinner, bearing the financial responsibility for the entire family, but also being the only one who leaves the house every day while my family stays home together. It made me feel very disconnected from them and in the beginning, with all of the pressure, exhaustion, being overwhelmed and completely insecure, it was too much to bear. I felt terribly alone, something that, sadly, comes pretty natural to me.

No one has ever loved me like my wife has. No one has ever come close. She was the first person in my life who loved me unconditionally, who taught me that you can love unconditionally. She was the first who loved me for me, who didn’t try to change me, but tried to help me be the real me. One day when we were out without the Okapis, Gem borrowed my cell phone to try and call the house to check on them. She tried to find our home number in contacts to quickly call.

“Where’s ‘Home?’” she asked.

“I don’t call ‘Home,’” I said. “I call you.” Unspoken was, You are my home.

When our Okapis were born the focus of almost all of that love and attention went to them and it left me feeling the way it had always been for me – lonely, isolated, and alone, exacerbated by all of my new responsibilities and pressures to carry the load myself. Thankfully, much of that has finally changed, but the sense of isolation of disconnectedness lingers like a chest cough that won’t go away.

Amazingly, cuddling helps to bring back all those feelings of what it was like before we had our Okapis, before the earthquake and the aftershocks completely changed the nature of our relationship. Cuddling is like feeling connected to someone again, the only someone I have ever truly felt connected to – until our Okapis came along. While my connection to them is very special to me, my wife will always be my first true love. She will always be how I define family, where I learned about love, where I learned about me.

What’s nice is I’m pretty sure she really likes the cuddling, too.

Ever since I started blogging, I’ve wanted to say the following…

Not only am I here today, but you can also find me at DadBloggers.com where you can read my premiere posting there. It is an in-depth explanation of how the Okapis, came to be called well…um…Okapis. I will be appearing on DadBloggers at the end of every month (either the 30th or 31st). As you can easily imagine, I will remind you each and every single time.

During dinner last night, Elijah turned to me and said, “Remember when you got in our bath, Daddy?”

“Yes, I do.” Especially since it was about 15 minutes ago. I mean, I’m getting old, I can’t deny it, but I have a ways to go, I hope, until Alzheimer’s sets in.

“And we had to swim under you when we switched sides?”

“Yeah, I stepped over you guys to get to the other side so I could be a bit more comfortable.”

“Yeah,” he says looking at me, letting me know inviting me into his bath was something special and that I better understand that.

I do, Elijah. I do.

In a span of about an hour the following three interactions happened…

Our Okapis were taking a bath and I went in to check on them. Elijah started moving the water and their bath toys around.

Elijah: I’m making room for you, Daddy

Me: Really?

E: Yeah, we’re making room. You can come in if you want?

Me: You’re inviting me to join your bath?

E: Yeah, we’re making room for you.

So I joined them in their bath. Only had done that once before and that was on vacation when we had access to a much bigger bath. It was a bit squished but they didn’t seem to care. I was so dirty after being in their bath water that I needed to rinse myself before dinner. They were some dirty Okapis.

To celebrate the end of a wonderful three-day weekend, we decided to have a little pizza picnic on the living room floor while watching one of their Sesame Street videos, which “we haven’t seen in a yong time.” We pretty much never watch TV during dinner and decided to make an exception to make dinner a bit more relaxing (for us mostly).

I’m not a big fan of sitting on the floor and I was just about to make myself comfortable on the couch, when Jordyn said, “I’ve got room for you, Daddy. Can you please sit next to me?”

I didn’t even hesitate. I sat next to my beautiful little girl and she cuddled next to me during the entire dinner. I could get used to picnics like this. A little bit later on Elijah even came over to cuddle with me a bit, something he, sadly, rarely does.

During dinner, while we were watching one of their Sesame Street videos, we could hear Whoopi Goldberg’s voice talking about “Children in Egypt are counting…Children in China are counting…Children all over the world are counting, counting on you.” If you have watched any Sesame Street videos in the last several years you can easily picture exactly what I am talking about.

Jordyn: You can count on us when you go to work, Daddy.

Me: What do you mean, Jordyn?

J: You can count on us.

Me: What do you mean by “count on us,” Sweetie Girl?

J: It means we miss each other when you go to work.

And a lovely three-day weekend comes to a close.

Even before I had kids, I always knew it was important for me to make sure my Okapis knew I loved them. But I never, never understood, how good it would feel to know they love me, too.

In the past couple of weeks, the Okapis have started saying “You know what we haven’t done in a long time?” It could “done” or “had” or “watched” etc. I’m not sure where it started (as usual) but they say it very frequently. Sometimes a long time is…um…subjective, shall we say, but other times it really has been a long time. I will try to track as many of these as possible like with the Remember whens which has faded out quite a bit (I am very sad to report).

This morning it was, “You know what we haven’t watched in a yong time?”

“What?”

“The monkey!”

“World Animals?”

“Yeah!!!”

“Want to watch?”

“Yeah!”

World Animals from Baby Eisntein is one of their all-time favorite videos and haven’t watched it in a very yong time. They derive such pleasure, such immense excitement yelling out the animal’s names, laughing and giggling. So much so that it is time for me to join them instead of sitting here writing to you.

(Nothing personal, of course).

I can think of two things I have done that have had a major impact on my relationship with my Okapis. One is the notes, which you have read about many times. The second is the concept of Los Tres Amigos (The Three Friends for you non-Spanish speakers out there). I have written about this before, but I was again reminded last night how powerful and impacting this idea has been.

I’m a big believer that marketing is probably about 75% of parenting. So much so that I keep meaning to write a post about it. How we market things to our children can greatly impact their willingness to do it and their enthusiasm for it. When my wife used to leave (or not be around), my kids would get very upset. All they could think about was what they were losing. While my wife was taking a vacation with her best friend and I was with the Okapis by myself, I joked about us being Los Tres Amigos and they loved it! We called ourselves that all weekend and every time Mommy leaves, they say, “We’re going to be the Tres Amigos, Daddy?” Now, when she leaves it is not just a loss, but a gain as well.

Gem has been working Tuesday and Thursday nights so I have been doing dinner with my parents on Tuesday (they spend the day with the Okapis on Tuesdays – “Two people to see Two Okapis on TUEsday”) and on Thursday and each night getting them ready for bed and to bed by myself. It’s actually been quite nice though tiring after a working all day. Last night we had a lot of fun just being Los Tres Amigos and it has become incredibly clear how much that phrase alone has changed our relationship. Yes, they miss their Mommy and wish she was around, but they also value the special time with me and I love it.

What things have you done that have had a major impact on your relationship with your children?