By Jeremy G. Schneider, MFT

Becoming a dad is a huge and potentially overwhelming transition. So when your baby finally arrives, why is it that you don’t fall in love immediately or that it’s different to what you expected it to be?

For some dads, connecting with their baby can happen in a few days. For many others it can take much longer to fall into place than what you may have anticipated – and there is nothing wrong with that.

Even once the baby is born, some dads can feel a strange emptiness or blankness inside. They know the baby they are holding is theirs, but it feels like they are strangers. Instead of feeling love and warmth, some may find themselves feeling afraid, feeling under more pressure to make money, and completely exhausted from lack of sleep and the other demands of being a new parent. Some may also feel nervous, inadequate or incapable as fathers. These difficult feelings can be exacerbated if they are working full-time and mum is at home taking care of the baby full-time.

Add to this the fact that a baby doesn’t really do anything in the first months of life – although they sure need a lot. You may feel like you’re giving so much but not actually receiving that much in return. You begin to feel these first few months can be very awkward and that babies will generally only sleep, eat, cry, poop and then sleep some more – and not always in that order!

Don't expect an immediate connection

The sad truth is many new dads have this experience but just don’t like talking about it. It’s as if there really is something wrong with a father who doesn’t feel an immediate connection to their baby. There is nothing wrong. What is really happening is that while you probably understand on some level that you love your new baby, you may not yet feel the tremendous rush of love and connection you thought you should feel.

Relax - this connection often comes with time. While your partner has had a nine month head start on you, your baby only became a reality for you when she was born. In many ways, you need to get to know your new baby just as she needs to get to know you. You may look at her face and see it scrunch in a certain way or watch how she moves her arms when she hears a sound and something will flutter in your chest. Before you know it, you will feel such a strong connection you will have trouble remembering life before when you didn't feel this way. The good news is the feeling only builds exponentially from there.

The following are some suggestions on how to make the transition to fatherhood, and connecting with your baby, a bit smoother and easier.

Become part of the routine. You might like to agree on a specific time each day that you always have one-on-one with your baby to play alone. Take her for a walk just before her bedtime, or find a quiet spot where you can spend a few minutes alone away from ‘noise’, such as your backyard or the local park.

Whenever you can, hold your baby. You don't have to do anything, just hold her and connect with her visually. Babies love being skin to skin so take off your shirt and put your baby on your chest. Massage her gently including her hands, legs and feet – repeated loving touch will help her connect with you better and faster. She’s also likely to fall asleep like that – and twice as likely you too!

Feed your baby. If your partner is breastfeeding, ask her to pump a little bit of milk every day so you can give your baby a bottle. Your partner will probably be relieved so she can get some much needed rest.  

Give your baby her bath each day, or get in the big bath with her. This is a special time to develop a bond with your baby. Change nappies and dress your baby – even if you don’t quite get the outfits right, your partner will still appreciate you taking over some of these daily tasks.

Your baby will love hearing the sound of your familiar voice so read and talk to her. Babies also love music so put on some fun tunes and hold her as you sing and dance around the room. Lullabies can be a real bonding experience, especially as you sing her to sleep.

Participate in your baby’s health check-ups. Take some time off work and go with your partner to the doctor or her routine child health check-ups. This is a good time for you to learn more about your baby and how she is doing.

Don’t forget your partner! Hold her while she holds the baby, it’s a good way to build intimacy and closeness in your family.

Most importantly, be patient through the process. The very nature of the bonding process between dad and baby is different to mum and baby, and by nature, tends to take longer. Don't get discouraged; the feelings of bonding are worth the wait, and will pay big dividends later.

As a first time dad, you’re bound to make mistakes – and plenty of them. Lucky for you, she’ll be too young to remember them. Even though it’s hard to realise it at the time, life does get better and things improve as your baby and your confidence grows. 

As you gaze into her eyes with proud fatherly love and affection, it will make all the dirty nappies in the world seem tolerable – well almost! Welcome to fatherhood!

Jeremy G. Schneider, MFT, is a parenting therapist, author, and dad of twins.