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A Father's Voice - February 2007 |
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Parenting Is A Team Sport: Do You Back Each Other Up?
By Jeremy G. Schneider, MFT
“You do not speak to Daddy like that!” Gem scolded Jordyn, our four-year old daughter. She has just yelled at me out of anger and that is not acceptable in our house.
We were all sitting at the dinner table and a standoff had begun. Jordyn was refusing to give an inch.
“Jordyn, go to your timeout,” Gem reminded her. Jordyn knows screaming like that is a timeout, but she didn’t want to go.
I remained seated and silent at the table watching my little girl figure out what her options really were. While observing this I was struck by something to which I have been giving a lot of thought. How often do you back each other up as parents?
There is no question in my mind after parenting twins for four years that parenting is a team sport and it works best if both parents are using the same playbook. I think the strength of teammates is how well they stick up for each other. Jordyn just broke two of our rules, respect for each other – especially us as parents – and no screaming. Since it was directed at me, Gem decided to jump in and back me up. I don’t think she consciously made that decision, but she did it because we work together that way, because she knows I do the same for her.
That is the key to a true partnership. Backing each other up builds a sense of trust, builds upon the trust the two of you have and ensures your children understand that these lines in the sand, these rules, the limits we set for them are serious and there are consequences for crossing them.
There are two types of situations where it is very important that we parents back each other up. The first is like in the example above; one parent is talked back to or disrespected in some way and the other steps in to demonstrate that this kind of behavior is not acceptable in any way, shape, or form. This not only teaches them about consequences, but also teaches them how to treat other people and, maybe most importantly, how they should expect to be treated. If we demand to be treated with respect, we are also modeling for them how to demand the same.
The second type of situation revolves more around the child’s actual behavior. The other day when I came home from work, Gem was telling Jordyn to get into timeout (yes, she is much more the boundary tester), but Jordyn was not budging.
Before I had even put back backpack down and taken off my jacket, I told Jordyn to get into the timeout corner. Jordyn looked at me, realizing she was boxed in, and hung her head, but walked into timeout. I don’t need to know what she did or didn’t do. I don’t need an explanation of why the situation was difficult. If Gem is giving Jordyn a timeout then she gets a timeout. By backing up Gem, I am not only demonstrating to both of our children that their mother and father mean business when it comes to following our rules, but it also means I am supporting Gem in her parenting, in her decisions and shows the trust I have in her. If I came in and questioned what was going on, that would send a powerful message that somehow I didn’t think she could handle it herself, that she wasn’t the authority on whether rules were broken and the consequences for such action. How can we demonstrate that kind of lack of trust to people we love?
Certainly, Gem and I have talked about the rules we have in place and have developed a set of expectations and rules for our children. These common understandings make backing each other up much easier. But if one of us has a problem with the way the other is handling a situation, we wait until we are alone, until the situation is over and talk about it, to see if next time there might be a better way or if we need to be more or less flexible with our rules in certain situations.
Parenting really is a team sport and when teammates don’t trust each other, don’t respect each other, not only will the children understand that consequences don’t always apply, but they will learn to be disrespectful to each other, to others and, maybe worst of all, that it is okay for them to be treated disrespectfully.
“Okay Jordyn. Your timeout is over. Please say you’re sorry to Daddy and come back to the table.”
She apologized, gave me a delicious hug and joined us again at the dinner table.
But when parents build on their own trust with each other, then children learn valuable and lifelong lessons about trust and respect. The kinds of lessons that will make a difference in all of their future relationships and even help them to be better partners and better parents, when it is their turn.
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JGS Updates
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