Jeremy G. Schneider, MFT - Mommy Do It! Mommy Do It!

Mommy Do It! Mommy Do It!

By Jeremy G. Schneider, MFT

There are few things that haunt fathers who want to be an integral part of their
children's lives more than holding your child and hearing, "Go with Mommy," or when
you are doing something for them and hearing, "Mommy do it!". These words may be
different for each father, but the idea is the same; "Mommy is better than you, Daddy"
and nothing can be done to change that. For me, these words bounce around my brain
every time my children say them like a mental pinball game smashing into the bumpers
of doubt and low self esteem leaving me obviously tilted. Game over. I lose.

When my children were born I made a commitment to them and myself that I would do
everything in my power to be around for as much of their lives as possible, to be as an
involved father as possible. To be what I never had. But like many fathers I am riddled
with doubts and self-confidence failures. Before I held my children I had no experience
holding babies, dealing with their crying, changing diapers or caring for them on a dayto-
day basis. Like many fathers, I don't have a role-model to look up to or to turn to with
my questions. Like most fathers, I learned quickly and pretty much followed the age old
saying, "Fake it until you make it." I am much more comfortable being a father now than
I ever have been. But the doubt, the self-questioning, has never gone away.

I have worked hard on my relationships with my two-and-a-half year old son and
daughter. I rush home from work every day to be there in time for dinner, bath and
putting them to bed. I don't make any plans on the weekend so I can spend as much
time with them as possible. I even created a web site for them that has pictures from
almost every single week that they have been born and I have made those pictures my
screensaver on my computer so they are always with me. I am utterly devoted to my
children and believe I have developed special relationships with each of them
individually.

But lately there has been a disturbing trend that has made all of my doubts and self questioning
rise up like an erupting volcano threatening to destroy all of my personal work on being a comfortable, confident father to my children. Over and over again I hear the same phrases.

"Mommy do it?"

"Go with Mommy?"

"Where's Mommy?"

It doesn't seem to matter what I am doing, where I am or what the situation is. My
children always want Mommy. Last night my wife and I walked into the house together
and I couldn't even get a "hello" let alone a kiss and hug from either of my children. It
was like I wasn't even there. And it has made me wonder why I am. Why am I working
so hard to be there for my children when in many ways it seems as if I have had no
impact on their lives?When Mommy is around, Daddy may as well not be.

Sometimes I believe it is because they just don't trust me or feel as safe with me as they
do with "Mommy." She will always be first no matter what I do and it is in those
moments that I feel a knife slicing through my heart. Why am I going through all of the
stress and strain to be home as much as possible at the expense of my career when it
doesn't seem to make a difference? Maybe I should stop trying to be a full-time parent
and focus more on my career so I could at least stop stressing over whether we'll have
enough money for their future.

In my less self-punishing and self-pitying moments, however, I think there are a number
of things going on at the same time. The biggest, most important variable is my wife. In
so many ways, I could not have picked a better person to be the mother of my children.
She loves them unconditionally in ways I not only never personally experienced but
never even imagined was possible. She is with them all day and I believe with every
fiber of my being that my children will have a foundation of love that will support them
for the rest of their lives.

But, on the other hand, they are with her all day. If you spent the day with the most
loving person on the planet, why would you want to be with anyone else? Not only is
being with my wife what they are used to, not only is it comfortable, but it feels really
good. Please don't get me wrong. She is not perfect nor am I without some pretty great
strengths. But the combination of her personality, them being with her almost every
moment of every day since they were born and their developmental stage makes her
almost the perfect parent for them. When she is around, I often get the child who was
too slow to ask for Mommy. At night when we read books on the couch before we put
them in their cribs, there is always a competition for who will be able to sit on Mommy's
lap. Often she will let one sit on one leg and the other sit on her other leg, while I sit
right next to her with no child, trying not to look too pathetic. Sadly, this has been going
on at night for quite a long time. But now it is happening more and more often during
the day.

I've noticed that during the day this is more likely to happen when they are sick or
scared. A couple of weeks ago Elijah had a terrible stomach virus and we had to take
him to the emergency room. My wife held him the entire time - almost twelve hours -
and all I could do was make sure she had some food and water for both her and him and
communicate with the hospital staff. These things are important too, but I don't want to
be the kind of father who plays a supporting role. I want to be the comforter, the
caretaker, the soother.

Elijah and Jordyn have started taking swimming classes. The way it works is one of
them will be with one of us for the entire class, which was about 30 minutes. The first
week Elijah was with me and it was great. He did a great job and I thought we had a lot
of fun. But the last few weeks have been really hard for me because no matter what
child I had, they both wanted to be with Mommy. Jordyn, who is clearly frightened by
the whole experience of swimming though she loves playing in the water, was all about
Mommy. Everything we did in class, she would ask for Mommy and when she saw her
would cry out for her. Even Elijah spent the whole class last week asking for Mommy.

"Where's Mommy?"

"She's with Jordyn, Elijah."

"Go with Mommy? Go with Mommy."

"Elijah, Mommy is with Jordyn. Let's swim together, Elijah." That worked for about three
minutes.

"Go with Mommy?" He got more insistent every time he saw her. I kept trying to move
away from her or keep his back to her so he wouldn't see her and continue asking for
her. On the way out, Jordyn threw a temper tantrum because Mommy wouldn't pick her
up (she was already holding Elijah) and every time I tried to hold her hand or pick her
up she only got more upset. It got so bad that she just stood by the door as we were
leaving, screaming and crying. As if that wasn't bad enough, the security guard came
out and asked if she was ours because I had walked out the door already, hoping she
would follow. I was absolutely miserable by the time we got home.

One of the hardest parts about this, beyond trying not to feel rejected, is the challenge of
respecting the wishes of my children. I don't want to force them to stay with me if they
don't want to. On the other hand, if I keep giving them back to their mother, then I will
never be able to show that I am capable of being there for them just as well as their
mother even though I may do it differently.

There have been times when I have felt strong enough or have been angry enough to
continue doing what they want Mommy to do instead. Sometimes I believe that by
doing this I am demonstrating that I am not a fair weather Daddy - even when things
are tough I am not easily scared or pushed away. This is an important message because I
am at work for so much of the time they are awake and I haven't been there as much for
them as my wife has. If they see they can't chase me away so easily, then maybe they'll
get more used to me being there for them. Certainly, if I continue to hand them off to my
wife every time they scream for her, I'll never be able to earn their trust.
One night Elijah was particularly all about Mommy and I was pretty much at the end of
my rope. It was time to change him into his pajamas for bed and all he would say was,
"Mommy do it! Mommy do it!" But she was with Jordyn and I wanted to get him ready
for bed. Though the entire time I was getting him ready for bed, he fought me, crying
and screaming, kicking his feet, continuing to call out for Mommy, turning a relatively
simple task into a workout.

After we had gone upstairs and it was time for him to have his medicine, he started all
over again.

"Mommy do it? Mommy do it!"

But my wife was giving medicine to Jordyn and I had his medicine in my hand already.
I basically had to corner him so he had no escape before he finally took it from me. I was
so frustrated and hurt even though I know they are not doing this to me, it is more of a
reflection on how they feel about my wife. I sat down on the couch as we got ready to
read them their books and it must've looked like I was sulking, and maybe I was. I
couldn't hide my sense of upset anymore.

As we read the books, I started to feel a bit better and got into the reading of the stories.
After the last book, Jordyn turned to her mother and said, 'Mommy take you? Mommy
take you!" meaning "Mommy take me," of course. Usually, Jordyn likes to have me take
her to her crib and Elijah likes to have my wife take him.

But before I could get upset again, Elijah turned to me, lifted up his arms and said,
"Daddy take you? Daddy take you?" I almost started to cry right there.

"Of course, Elijah. I would love to take you," and I picked him up in my arms and took
him to his crib.

The whole experience made me wonder if maybe I had passed some test with him. By
showing I couldn't be scared away, did I make it easier for him to trust me? I'm not sure.
I do know I really enjoyed putting him to bed that night. While this is an issue I'll be
struggling with for some time, I do have a place here and in my children's hearts -
whether I remember and see that all of the time is another story.

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