Welcome to Ask A Dad, your chance to submit questions - especially about fatherhood - to Jeremy. Are you struggling with a certain issue as a parent? Did you read one of Jeremy's articles and want more information? This is your chance to Ask A Dad. Submit your questions to

Jeremy,

I just read your article titled 'Second Fiddle' about how you feel like an invisible parent around your children.  I have a 2.5 year old daughter and am experiencing the same issues.  I think it has always been there, but now that she's really getting expressive and a big vocabulary it seems so much worse and hurts so much more.  It sometimes almost brings me to tears to feel like she would rather under any circumstances be with my wife than me.

I'm in the same boat as you... I work and she stays home all day with Mommy.  I get home as early as I can and try to spend all weekends with her. 

I keep hoping someday she'll be 6 or 8 and not so attached to mommy, but I'm so nervous it will always be this way.  I was wondering if you have had any changes in your epxerience.  I wasn't sure when you wrote your article for the Father's Forum.
Hope to hear from you soon

Jason 

Thank you so much for your email, Jason. I really know how you feel. I know you read the piece, but I really do know. It was such a terrible feeling. Yes, I said, "was." Of course, it still happens from time-to-time, but it also happens the other way - where they want Daddy instead of Mommy. Sometimes I even find myself asking them, "Really?" when they prefer me instead of my wife. I think there were three major things that made the situation change.

One was spending time alone with my two kids without my wife, building a separate relationship, a separate bond. For instance, when the three of us are going to do something together we call ourselves Los Tres Amigos! We've been to the zoo together, the mall, the aquarium, etc. all without my wife. Instead of it just being Mommy leaving, we get to be something together. But a name is nowhere near as important as the time shared.

The second thing, and this was probably the biggest, was I started putting them to bed by myself - without my wife. Bedtime became Special Daddy Time (yes, I'm a big believer that 75% of parenting is marketing and I'm only 50% joking). I read them books, I tucked them in, I kissed them goodnight. I went to them if they got upset in the middle of the night. Not only did it give us more time together, but it showed them that I can take care of them just as well - though different -  than Mommy does. I can hold them when they're scared, I can tuck them in and help them fall asleep, I can read them a story that makes them laugh. It has been very hard, but absolutely rewarding. My wife finds that she loves that her day ends a little bit earlier, too.

Which brings me to the third element - my wife. She wants me to have a strong relationship with them. When they cry out for her and I'm holding them, she'll say, "Stay with Daddy." She supports me in my relationship with them and that also makes a difference. She wilingly gave up putting them to bed at night. She has no problems with me taking them somewhere myself. She tries to get out and do stuff on her own for her own mental health and so I can have alone time with them. Her support makes a big difference.