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A Father's Voice - January 2006 |
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Anxiety of Leaving in the Morning
By Jeremy Schneider, MFT
"Get up? Get up."
I know that voice. It is not the first time it has woken me up. Sadly, it won't be the last, I am sure.
"Get up?!" my son says again.
"Momeeee," my daughter chimes in.
"Daddeeeeee," they both start to whine in unison. There's no way they're going back to sleep. I look at the clock.
5:28
"You want to split up?" my wife asks. That's one of our ways we try to get our two-year (27 month) old twins back to sleep. She takes one and I take the other into separate rooms and hope they go back to sleep. I didn't think that was likely this morning.
"I'll get them both," I told her. She didn't argue, knowing that would mean she would get an extra hour-and-a-half of sleep.
By the time I got upstairs and opened their door to see how they were doing, they were both standing up in their cribs and when I walked into their room, they both started crying loudly. I picked Jordyn up first and then went to Elijah's crib. When I had them both in my arms, I sat down on their couch. That was when I realized Elijah was holding his woobie and Jordyn was holding her Elmo and her doll she named Jordyn. They were definitely upset, but I had no idea why.
We sat on the couch, one of them on each of my legs, our heads only centimeters apart as I kissed their cheeks, tasting saline and asking them what was wrong. But they didn't have an answer for me.
"Do you want to lie down? I asked, hoping they would want to go back to sleep. Elijah immediately laid down next to me on the couch and Jordyn laid down on top of me.
Until she realized we didn't have a blanket.
"A blanket, Daddy? A blanket?"
The only way to get a blanket was to disturb them and after I got the blanket, Jordyn got back into position on top of me, but Elijah was now sitting up.
I leaned back for a couple of minutes hoping he'd lie down again, but to no avail.
Realizing this wasn't working, I asked, "Do you want to make a bed on the floor and lie down with Daddy?"
"Sleep with Daddy?" my little girl asks.
"Sleep with Daddy?" my little boy echoes.
"Yes," I said, feeling like maybe they finally understand what I'm doing up here. "Sleep with Daddy."
I laid out the comforter on the floor, grabbed some pillows (can you tell this isn't the first time I've had to do this?) and we made ourselves comfortable on the floor. As usual, Jordyn fell right asleep. As usual, Elijah didn't.
At one point, Jordyn was sleeping and I think Elijah was close to finally going to sleep again. I closed my eyes, letting myself relax and wondering if I might even get a little more sleep.
"Get down...boogie woogie woogie"
Oh no.
"Who sings that, Daddy? Who sings that?" he asked loudly. I feel Jordyn stirring next to me.
"I don't know, Elijah," I whispered to him hoping he would talk more softly. I had no idea who sang that song and at that moment really couldn't have cared less. I just wanted him to sleep and not to wake Jordyn up.
"Mommy sings it, Daddy" he replied in his regular voice which sounded boomingly loud.
"That's right, Elijah. Mommy does sing that song," I responded quietly, wishing she had never taught him that one. Sleep is not going to happen and as if sensing that realization, my little girl popped her head up from underneath the blanket. Apparently, I was the only one not ready to be awake.
"Go downstairs with me?" my son asked. He wants me to take him downstairs.
"Downstairs with Daddy?" my little girl seconded.
Since Jordyn has already climbed on top of me, I picked her up first. Elijah held out his hand so I could hold it while I carried Jordyn down the stairs. I stood up and off we went with Elmo and Elijah's woobie, too.
When we got downstairs, I sat them down on the couch and asked what they wanted to watch.
“Baby Beethoven?” Elijah requested. He may be the biggest Baby Einstein fan of all time. “Baby Beethoven?” he repeated. Who am I to argue? Especially at 6:15 in the morning when I’ve already been up for almost an hour.
I laid down on the couch with the illusion that I might get a little more sleep before the morning would officially have to start. Can you say “wishful thinking?”
“Milk, Daddy? Cereal?” Usually we start off every morning with milk in their sippy cups. And on those rare occasions when they wake up in the morning before I leave for work, they usually want to eat my cereal with me. Jordyn was already excited about this opportunity. She was standing by the gate we have between the kitchen and the dining room/living room area talking about Daddy's cereal. I left them watching Baby Beethoven while I went to get their sippy cups ready and make my cereal so they could have some.
When I came back from the kitchen, Jordyn asked, “On the couch?”
“Sure, Sweetie girl. We can eat my cereal on the couch together.”
I returned with my cereal, sat on the couch and Jordyn was immediately at my legs, looking into my bowl, waiting. But she's not that patient so she immediately said, “I want some.”
“What?”
“I want some…please.”
“Good.” I'm never too tired to be a stickler for manners. I figure if they're going to eat half of my breakfast, the least they could do is ask nicely.
During this exchange, Elijah had climbed on my back, something he almost never does.
“Would you like some, Elijah?”
“Yeah.” How quickly they forget.
“What?”
“Yes, please.”
“That's better, Elijah. Here you go.” I'm lucky if I got to eat half the bowl.
After they finished my cereal, we could all hear my wife moving around.
"Where's Mommy?" our son asked.
"Mommy is getting dressed so she can come out and spend time with Elijah and Jordyn.
"Spend time with Daddy?" he asks. I felt that twinge of guilt for leaving them every morning. Most mornings it is just a low hum and I have learned to ignore, but this morning was different.
"Daddy has to go to work today, Elijah."
He screams in response. I reach out to give him a hug, but he moves away. My wife walks in and he goes to her. She picks him up to change his diaper, which I failed to do in my sleepy state.
Jordyn comes over and I start to give her my usual hug and kiss goodbye. She starts to get upset, too. For quite a long time, they would get upset every morning when I left for work - especially Elijah. But we figured out some ways to make it easier for him and for some time now, we haven't had any problems in the morning. It is amazing how quickly and strong my feelings of guilt came roaring back. I certainly didn't miss any of it.
"Read. Read!" she starts to scream to me. "Read!" and hands me the books she wants me to read her.
"Jordyn, I want to read, but I have to go to work."
"NO, Daddy. Read!"
I am caught off guard by these outbursts. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, but I feel terrible for leaving and am losing my patience. Their getting upset is making me get upset about leaving. I don't want to go. I'd rather be home with them.
I picked up Jordyn as she continued crying and I told her that I needed to go to work, but that I would be home in time for our special Shabbat dinner.
"Oooohhh," she says and I know she's going to be fine. As she begins to escalate into a tantrum, it often seems she is really looking for a way to stop, but can't do it herself yet. When my wife and I are able to distract her with something she is excited about, she says, “oooooohhh” and calms down. It is rather incredible because immediately afterwards, she'll be sitting there with a smile on her face thinking about the exciting thing that is going to happen, but with tears streaming down her face from the tantrum that never was. I told her how much I love her, gave her another hug and kiss and put her down on the couch. She returned to watching Sesame Street which is now on.
I said goodbye to Elijah as my wife was changing him and he got a little upset again, but seemed better. Then he hit his mother. I knew right away he hit her because he was mad that I was leaving and this was the only way he knew how to express it. Even though he hit my wife on her shoulder, I felt like he had hit me right in the chest. I also know that expressing anger to his mother is safer than expressing anger towards me, because she will be there with him all day and I won't.
I told him not to hit and I gave him another hug and kiss and told him how much I love him. Then I put my jacket on, grabbed my stuff and walked out the door.
As I was closing the door, I heard my little boy asking, "Daddy, where are you? Daddy where are you?"
I closed my eyes as I closed the door.
I got into my car and drove to the train station with a heavy, achy feeling in my heart and stomach. When I parked the car and got out, I found myself blinking away tears. They were not from the cold wind.
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JGS Updates
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Colorado's Kids' Pages published one of Jeremy's articles, Setting Limits and Consequences, in their May issue. |
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 The Today Show talked with Jeremy and his family about the challenges of early fatherhood. The segment aired Tuesday, April 25, 2006. |
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